Be My Own Damn Mountain

I have a tight family. It may be a hispanic thing, but we are there for each other and tell each other our lives and lean into the love the other has to offer. In December 2017 my grandfather passed away. 9 months later his son succumbed to his fight with cancer. 7 months later my biological father died. Later that month a cousin was killed in a car accident. Two months after that one of my best friends of 22 years ended our close friendship due to their spouse. Two months later my nearly 15 year marriage ended. Three months after that my mother fell critically ill during the same week my divorce was finalized. Two months later my ex-husband moved out of the house and the next week my ailing mother moved in.

All of these Mountains, whom I'd leaned in to for emotional support, for moral support...for ears and hearts and arms that hug and hold- were gone. My grandfather, Uncle, ex-husband and Mom were giant mountains in my life. Big, strong personalities who fit in to the puzzle that is me and filled in all the areas of my personality that I lacked. I'm soft. I'm not a fighter. I'm not assertive. I'm not a do-er. I'm a listener. A hugger. A "come here, I'll help make it better" person. I'm the marshmallow. If you want to know how to do things with great love, I will listen to your woes and help you maneuver your way forward with love, with gentleness.

Those are my strengths.

March was a tough month. On top of watching this virus spread across the maps of the world, virtual school happened and change in every area of our lives happened. Some days were super heavy. Some days were ok. No matter what, every day had weight. Palpable weight. Being this sensitive means I not only feel my own GIANT feelings and have to breathe through them, I'm now handling the big, hard feelings of my babies dealing with all the changes in their lives AND NOW I'm feeling the GIANT feelings of everyone in the world. Stepping outside of my house felt the same as going outside when a hurricane is brewing. Not only can you feel the difference in the air due to the pressure drop, you can feel the palpable, deep fear of people. The crazy had set into the population of the entire world, and that's A LOT OF ENERGY to handle.

To me it feels like a huge wet fur coat of complete and utter darkness. Heaviness that is so giant there are no words to describe it's weight. I'm a hermit. I love being alone. I love quiet. I recharge in aloneness and quiet. But no space was free of this palpable communal fear that filled every ion of Earth's existence.

No space.

Finding three minutes to sit in my closet or on the porch to breathe big and center was impossible. I hadn't dealt with the giant change in my mother. I hadn't processed the giant loss of my marriage. I hadn't had a single second to process all the giant losses and changes nor had I began to look at my own reflection to decide who this new Crystal was going to be.

I'd long to talk to my mama. To have her look at me with her almost midnight-colored eyes and give me advice and tell me everything was going to be ok. Michael and I have kept a good-standing relationship, but even that I've had to learn to adjust and change. For the sake of our kids we've promised to "stay friends" but let's be honest... it's best for everyone to learn and move and grow in their own separate ways. Having these two "here" but "not here" has been a challenging ocean to swim through. Having to turn COMPLETELY inward and not seek out the shoulder or advice of these two mountains in my life has been the greatest, most challenging gift I could have ever received. 40 years of my mama being my rock and almost 20 years of Michael being my Mountain means there's a lot of adjustments and growth on my part.

These losses have been monumental. Breathing through all these huge changes and for the first time in MY LIFE having to stand strong and be the one to make giant choices has taught me something which I believe is my great lesson for this point in my life. In this.... in the thick of the all the giant things going on in the world and in my house has taught me .... it's time I become my own damn Mountain.