Store Up Happy

Store up Happy

So....not too long ago, it was glitter and potpourri day. Though I make light of it, it's not one of my favorite days...no matter how freakishly small my doctor's hands are, it's never fun to get probed in front of an audience.

I glittered, probed, and moved out, with my favorite nurse's last words to me being, “we'll send a post card....or call if there is a change."

"Got it!" I cheerfully answered, and went about my life.

Two weeks later, was in the middle of getting the kids out the door for baseball, when my phone rang.

"Crystal?" My favorite nurse asked, sounding....like the opposite of Sunshine (she's my favorite because she is like walking sunshine, plus, she laughs at my jokes, which always puts people high on my favorite list)

"Yeah, Hi! Marie!" I happily answered, trying to ignore her downish tone.

"Hey Sweetie, listen, we got your results back, and two came back....abnormal, Sweetheart."

"Okay. What's that mean?"  (I knew exactly what that meant, given that I'd been through it about ten years ago.)

"We just have to have you back in, to do a biopsy and find out exactly what's going on."

"Okay, when?"

"Can you come back in two days?" She sweetly asked.

"yeah, that's fine." 

"Okay, Sweet Girl, you ok? Do you have any questions?"

"No, I'm good, I'll see y'all in  a couple days, I might just leave the disco ball at home this time!" I answered, trying to bring her tone back up to happy.

"Ok, Sweetheart, you call me, any time, if you have any questions before then, okay?"

"Okay, no I'm good, thank you very much for calling, Marie, I'll see y'all in a couple days."

I got to the baseball field 7 minutes later, and in the calm....the magnitude of her call caught up with me.

"Crap." I thought. "I didn't tell Michael I even went for my annual, ‘cause who cares? Now I have to tell him about a biopsy, and what it could mean. Crap."

More stillness.... then prayer, "Ok God, if this is what you want to take me, so be it. This is your life, after all. Just give me strength. Let me SEE YOU. I KNOW you're here, but for me, let me SEE YOU IN THIS. I won't be angry, forgive me if I cry, just PLEASE let me SEE YOU IN THIS."

Then peace.

And I went on with my day, in peace. 'Cause no matter what, God is here, and if "the worst," is His will, so be it. 'Cause he knows best, right?

Right.

So, carried on about my day, finished baseball, went home, bathed the kids, got their clothes ready for the next day, made everyone's lunch, fed them dinner. Michael came home, and I fed him, but left him in the dining room with the kids. 

'Cause the human part was winning.

And I started to not be able to breathe.

So I prayed, "Peace, Lord, Please, Peace."

And calm fell over me like warm water, and I could breathe. I could see.  I spent the afternoon, after the call, with eyes wide open. SEEING my blessings. The blessings when my kids fought, the blessing of being able to RUN to the baseball field when Marie's call  made me a few minutes late...the blessing in the madness of  a late night.

The blessing in this war I may be about to enter into.

I found my bible, and it fell open to, "When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and though the rivers they will not overflow you...Since you are precious in my sight...and I love you..." Isaiah 43:2-4 

And I cried. Not out of fear, out of joy. Because I asked, and I KNEW, God was here, with me, and every single tiny little thing was going to be okay, no matter what.

So, I thanked God for speaking to me, and I asked for Michael to come into our bedroom, so I could talk to him.

"What does that mean?" he asked, with wide, desperate eyes.

"I don't know. I was in a hurry and only got three things: 1: She called. They never call, and when they call it's bad. 2: Tests came back abnormal and 3: Biopsy is in a few days."

He went on to ask a thousand questions that I didn't have the answers to. He was desperate and scared.

"We don't know anything baby, there's NO point in getting upset right now. I'm just telling you so you know." I said, trying to calm him down.

"I'll go with you." He insisted

~Michael Phillips, in the HISTORY of our BEING together, has NEVER dropped ANYTHING for anything! He even went back to work the day after our babies were born...his schedule is such that he can't just cancel court dates and trials (I understand, being an attorney's wife, but him saying he'd drop everything and go with me, shocked the poop out of my pants!)~

"Baby, it's just a test, there's NO reason for you to be there. We won't find anything out for a couple weeks, so in the mean time, just....don't worry, ok?"

He held me tight and long, and said, he was sorry.

"For what?!" I asked, "you didn't do this?"

Still holding me, he said, "It should be me. Not you. I should be sick, not you."

~booger Crystal snuck in, and thought, "yeah! you're the bad one!"~

"I feel like it's coming back to me. It's my fault. It should be me." He said.

I released the embrace, and said, "I'm gonna tell you what I told one of my good friends a bit ago, "what happens to our beloved's is not the consequence of our wrong doings." We each have a path, baby, You have yours and I have mine. You did not "do this," and you can't be good enough, or bad enough. Things just ARE...They just ARE. We each have an appointment to keep, one that we can't change, maybe this one is mine, maybe it's not. Either way, YOU did not do this."

Michael looked deep into my eyes, relaxed, and said, "Why are you so calm?"

I laughed and said, "first off, I prayed like a mo-fo! Second, let's just say I do, "have cancer," I had it an hour ago, and I'll have it in an hour. Freaking out is not going to do any good. If anything, it'll feed this. I prayed, I'm good. There is NOTHING I can do. Plus, we don't know anything yet. Could be nothing."

He hugged me tight and took over the rest of the nightly routine with the babies. 

Our house is such that if you whisper upstairs, you can hear it clearly if you stand in front of my bedroom.

I was listening to his actions with the kids, because I was soaking up my "earthly blessings" (just in case I didn't have too many left) and I heard him say, "You tell mommy how wonderful she is, and how much you love her. Okay?" And I heard the babies agree.

They both happily and crazily stomped down the stairs, to give me hugs and kisses, and did as they were told.

That night, as Michael and I lay in bed, he was quiet, and teary eyed.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

"I don't like this. The kids need you." He quietly answered, and grabbed my hand to hold it.

"We don't know anything baby."

" I know. But I feel like it's my fault....It shouldn't be you, it should be me." Michael answered.

I squeezed his hand and said, "Baby, there is nothing we can do. Every single tiny thing happens for a reason, and everything will work out EXACTLY as it is supposed to, no matter what."

A single tear rolled down his face, and he said, "I know. But I don't like it."

A couple days later, I went in for my biopsy. 

After BIG prayers. I told God I trust him, and Thank you, for every single tiny thing. Even this. I told him I was sorry I was scared, but I do know he's here. And I thanked him for loving me. And I asked him for peace.

And He delivered.

My doctor and favorite nurse came in...and GOOD GRIEF!!! You would have thought I was already dead!!! Their sadness was so horrible, it was COMICAL!!!

Their heads hung low, and their voices were the same....sad and low.  If the lights could have reacted to their mood, it would have been pitch black in that room.

I understand, they have to measure their moods according to the situation. And I appreciated their seriousness. Because this was a very serious situation, and it COULD be really bad. 

But I'm me. 

I was so grateful I had enough happy stored up for days such as these.

They told me more details about my tests, and what to expect in today's procedure.  They explained what to expect, if the biopsy comes back showing cancerous, or pre-cancerous cells. 

I took it in stride, accepting that again, there is nothing I could do, so freaking out would do no good.

I believe the condition of the spirit can affect the condition of the flesh.  Studies have shown that happy people have higher success rates in fighting off disease.

I chose happy.

Thank goodness, 45 minutes into the procedure, my doctor and nurse FINALLY started laughing at my jokes (which I had thrown out since the procedure started) THAT helped ALOT!! Laughter is just a good sound for your soul to hear.

When all was done, my doctor and nurse HAPPILY left my room. I thanked them, and they told me I'd hear back from them in a couple of weeks.

I text Michael when I was done, and was surprised when he called back instead. 

"Hey, you ok?"

"yeah, I thought you had mediation right now!?" I asked

"I do, but this is more important baby."

"I know, but you NEVER leave your...work."

"You're more important baby. How'd it go?" he asked again.

"Dude! They were so sad it was comical!" I answered.

"But you're okay?" he asked again

"yeah, I'm fine. Seriously baby, it was funny."

Still concerned, he asked, "How are YOU, baby?"

"I'm fine. I promise. Tomorrow I might break down, but right this second I'm fine. Plus, I have too much to do to stop and worry about something I have no control over. I'm fine, darlin', I promise."

A bit better, he answered, "Ok. Call me if you need me. I love you."

"Love you too, bye."

The next two weeks were really a gift.

Michael was super duper, over the top nice. 

~Booger Crystal would often creep in with thoughts like, “ now's the time to ask for a raise!" bwah ha ha ha ha! (but I didn't) though I was fully aware of the fact Michael would have given me anything I wanted, and/or let me get away with murder.~

I was grateful that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I opened my bible, it opened up to that Isaiah verse. My reminder that The Lord was with me.

I was grateful for the peace.

My prayer was, "Let me SEE YOU, in this God. And if "the worst" is my path, then let me face it bravely. Let me love it. Let me not hate it, let me love it. Just let me SEE YOU."

I asked to "love" my would be disease, because again, I didn't want to 'feed it,' with negativity. I wanted to hang on to love, to happiness...desperately.

I got my results back, and the biopsy came back good. The cells are abnormal, but not pre-cancerous and not cancer. I just have to go back every six months, to keep an eye on things. "At least we get to see your face more often!" My favorite nurse told me, when she called to deliver the good news.

I called Michael, to let him know, and he breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Thank you Jesus! I can't do this without you baby!!"

I laughed out loud, because the night before, was another super late sports night, and my daughter had thrown a massive two hour long fit (she was just exhausted though, the poor thing) Michael dealt with her, because I still had to clean up, make dinner and lunches, and get the kids ready for the next day. The entire time, she kept crying, "I want mommy!" In my head, while she was throwing a fit, I kept thinking of baby Sinclair saying, "not the mama!"

I said, "yes! if last night was any indicator of which parent is favored!"

He replied, "yeah. This whole time I've thought, they'd be fine without me, but they need their mama."

"Stop. They need both of their parents. But all is well, so we're good."

I was kind of grateful that MIchael was being a big 'ol baby about it, because it took the focus off of myself. Although booger Crystal would sneak in, and I did once say to him, "stop, this is about me, this isn't about you." (you would have thought his man-member were being chopped off) In his reacting this way, I had to step up and be the tougher one, and lift him back up to a happy place.

During the waiting period, Michael wrote me an email saying:

"I am so grateful that you have become so strong in your faith.  You help me

to remember that God is still on the throne and God is still in control.

"If your gonna pray, don't worry."  "If your gonna worry, don't pray."

I love you

MRP"

In this, I was shown my faith.  I know God is always with me. I didn't need a reminder of that.

I used to pray, "please don't test my faith, please don't test my faith," because I liked to think it was strong, but I was afraid I wouldn't be.  

I now see my faith is strong. And I'm grateful for that.

I don't know how my next tests will turn out. I'm not meant to. I am meant to give my worries up to The Lord. I am meant to have faith that no matter what, this is His plan. 

I am meant to pray. To say THANK YOU. To SEE my blessings, and to store up happy for when dark days come.